Weltschmerz

Recently, I came across the word, "weltschmerz". It had a number of different definitions but the definition that struck me most was the one that read, "sorrow that one feels and accepts as one's necessary portion in life". This stood out to me because it was like it described my relationship with my depression exactly. I've been depressed for the better part of my thirty years...ever since I lost my parents. I had such a strong bond with my depression that it became a silent partner in the bid for my life. As an adult, I didn't even realize that I was depressed because it because it was so normal.

It was around the time that I accepted God into my life that I lost my depression. I say "lost" because I actually was so attached to it that I began looking for it! Bizarre, I know. I was trying to remember where and how I could have just left it behind. I believe that behavioral therapy, my God encounter and my resulting token abstinence. Nevertheless, I'm glad it's gone and hope, wish and pray it never to return again.

B-I-T-C-H!

I think I lose a little bit of my religion whenever I think about my grandmother. It's hard not to hate her. I'm not an evil or hateful person by nature, but she was before she became feeble and forgetful. I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be today if my parents hadn't died and left me and my sister to our maternal grandmother. In learning that depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder don't just happen over night and that it takes years of verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of a cold hearted woman with a sixth grade education. This coupled with the trauma of losing my mother and a week later losing my father on my 12th birthday equal me, today, with anxiety and OCD. The depression I'm no longer claiming, thanks to my relationship with God.

I've always been a fair hearted person. I believe that people should be treated the way you expect to be treated in return. I guess after years of being treated unfairly at the hands of my grandmother, I'm a stickler for being fair. Now, she has Alzheimer's and she doesn't behave the way she used to when I was younger but I loathe her all he same.

Mid-Cycle Disappointment

Well, first and foremost I want to thank God for everything. All things great and small. Even this month's make believe, cuddle friendly, nice to look at, great in bed, emotionally available, semi-perfect future "baby daddy".
Speaking from the realm of the not yet realized but frequently fantasized about, I've done pretty well for myself. I'm happily married, gainfully employed and living the dream (literally). Like a prayer, every night, in my mind the man of my dreams takes me in his arms with the promise of a forever love that soothes my restless hormones. Night after night of wedded bliss is what I envision. Because that is what it's like to be married...right? Married people are happier, healthier and having lots and lots of sex...right? Probably not...
Besides the loneliness and the lack of sex, single life isn't so bad. I mean, I have my own place and no drama. I'm done giving it away. I stopped having vaginal intercourse 17 months ago, for religious reasons. I also did it to maintain my sanity. Who would have thought giving it away would bring me so close to crazy? My vagina has feelings, too. Today it just happens to be feeling very lonely. At least it's disease free and without illegitimate child.